Swoopy from Skepticality always likes to ask her guests, as the first question, when did you first know you were a Skeptic. So for the first skeptical post to this blog, I thought I would answer that question myself.
I grew up in an interesting home when it came to religion. My mother was raised as a Christian Scientist and my father Methodist. Neither of them were very religious and the first time they really thought about it was when I was adopted. The caseworker asked them what religion they were going to raise me in. Neither of them really cared but the case worker suggested that they pick one, not both and go with that.
So I started my life out as a Methodist, going to Sunday school etc. A year or so before I would be, I don’t know – confirmed? My mother asked if I was really interested in being a Methodist, I did not care, so she decided to take us to the Christian Scientist’s service for about a year. After that we were old enough in her eyes to decide if we really wanted to go to church. I did not, not dues to any deep seeded belief or whatever but because I wanted my sleep.
During this time I used to go to a type of summer camp but the only type in those days in South Africa were Christian. At one of these camps I found Jesus, he was behind a couch. Truth be told, I thought I had found God, and I did the usual forgive me of my sins and stuff. After a day or two, when nothing happened, I decide something, not sure what.
Moving forward to high school. I joined the Christian group at school and very soon became the chairman.
At this point in my life, the best you could say was that I was a true believer and did not believe. Went to all the meeting at school, never went to church.
I loved reading fantasy and being a believer, I thought the magic may be real. I decided to cast some spells and see what happened, I became a teenage witch, oh and still chairman of the school Christian group and a true believe in god. And of course being a teenager, a masturbator.
Boy was I racked with guilt and so I begged the devil to give me a hot sexy virgin for my soul.
I got nothing.
It was at this point in my strange childhood that I started to wonder. Why did God not stop me? Why did the devil not want my soul? Why did some magic spells sort of work and others not?
In the end I left school and became a police officer for the next four years. As a policeman, I was once again drawn into religion, always carried a bible in my pocket, prayed every night, and went to church every Sunday.
I left the police and that was the last time I went to church, for no other reason other than I could not be bothered to find a new congregation or get up early on Sunday.
At this point I still sort of maybe perhaps believed there was something or not, I did not know what I believed but I still felt guilty about it all.
So I started seeking, looking. In my search I found pagans and witches. I was invited to join their coven and did, with all the dancing and magic and stuff. When asked if I was a Wiccan or Druid, I answered that I was a pagan. You see, I did not truly believe, but there were some sexy girls in the coven and I was working out my guilt. If God did not hate me for all the things I did, then was there a God. Also, I questioned the magic, I had done more powerful magic on my own as a teenager than the whole coven had ever done.
Then one day I discovered Chaos Magic. Basically it is the idea that everything is nothing. I can believe in a Christian god today and a pagan goddess tomorrow and both were equal as long as I did not believe in them outside of ritual. You only believed during ritual and you never believed in the same thing twice. And the core of Chaos magic is that you are the one responsible for your own actions.
From believing in everything to believing in nothing was a very small step.
So now we look back at our original question, When did I first discover I was a skeptic and I think it was the very first time I tried to believe? You see, it never ever felt real to me. Oh and about the magic, as a skeptic and follower of the scientific method, I retested my childhood spells and under close control, none of it ever worked.
So where am I today?
I do not believe in anything. I have seen no proof of a god, or of a devil, or of any of the goddesses. For the last 38 years of my life I have been seeking and the only thing that has changed is the method I now use.
Devil, if you are out there, give me a hot sexy young virgin and I will believe, till then, I shall be skeptical.